Another full on crying frenzy

I’ve been having a lot of those lately. I’ve broken down down in front of friends, family, neighbors, and even strangers. I can not talk about what is happening without tearing up. I am trying to stand, I am trying to keep a smile on my face and to stay positive but it’s much easier said then done when you are basically being kicked when you’re down. Having a progressive disease is very hard to adapt too. Something new keeps popping up. It’s like every day is the worst I have ever felt yet probably the best I’ll ever feel ever again. It’s a mind fuck. I often think if I were to switch bodies with someone for a day I would hit the ceiling, and they would crumble to the ground and probably call an ambulance.

I hurt my right hand today, smashed it into the library while trying to squeeze by a tight corridor with my wheelchair. Also I can barely lift my right hand today (was like that before I smashed it). And I’m planning to go to a camera shop tomorrow to switch some lenses since some are getting too heavy to lift. If you know me, then you know that not being able to hold up my camera is heartbreaking. Yet I try to smile through it all. I can, as long as you don’t ask me about it.

In good news I’ve come to grips that I must sell my car. Well I guess I could keep it and just never use but it makes for a very large and burdensome paperweight. So sell I shall. Now I just have to come to terms with using wheelchair accessible taxis…hold on, need a tissue….

K

I focus mostly on my legs, but I have lots of other symptoms. They’re just embarrassing at times, less obvious, or personal.

I catch myself laughing out loud and crying at the same time. It feels like such a bad joke you can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous this disease is. I’ve tried MS support groups but it’s too much, too scary, too depressing. I can’t help feel like I don’t belong. Everyone there does. It’s not a fun party.

I’ve tried therapy but can’t help disregarding what they say because they just don’t know. They can’t know how this is, how hard it is to lift yourself up when it’s the perfect excuse to lay down. You’re sick?! You should rest. You have Ms, fight through it.

My son will be home soon. Happy face time!

Everything will be alright. You are strong. You can do this. You are woman. You’ve pushed 2 babies out, you can handle this.