I was contemplating basing my next collection on moments again, but hard moments.
Difficult painful moments in order to create some truly inspired paintings. But I changed my mind. If ever I’m in a terrible mood maybe then I’ll go into my studio and release some pent up anger and sadness onto a canvas, but I’m not going to go out of my way to seek out those feelings. Although good and bad moments have shaped who I am, I prefer to focus on and remember the good, to close my eyes, remember happy moments and smile. I prefer to look at a painting and feel warmth. Cause I don’t want to give MS any more of my time. I’ve already given it too much
What inspired this decision? Doing homework with my son.
I joke about how painful it is to do homework with this guy. This truly amazing, funny, charismatic, charming, handsome, full of potential, thoughtful guy who absolutely HATES homework. But it’s not funny. The last two weeks since my show has passed and we’ve fallen back into the boring school routine have been difficult to say the least. We’ve already had to meet with his teacher (that is not typical for Mid September). I now find myself in the midst of another depression (or revisiting the last one). I am not qualified to teach children. Especially this stubborn, young, impatient, energetic kid. I don’t want to traumatize him. On a couple occasions I had to lock myself in the bathroom and have a good cry. Meeting with his teacher helped. I felt guilt for his homework looking the way it does, or being incomplete. Like I’m not doing my part. Me and the teacher, we’re suppose to be partners. She was so calm about it, she welcomed the unfinished homework if it meant peace between me and Julien, as well as my sanity. That’s what she’s paid for she reminded me. If he’s just not doing his part at home, simply close the books, put them away and she’ll deal with it at school. Typically missing a couple recesses fixes the issue in kids. Merci Mme Josée!
Anyways….
My point is I don’t want to be depressed, it sucks. These last two weeks have sucked so bad. I was on such a high after the show, after spending so much time in my studio redefining and getting to know myself again, getting a life! And then to have great weather to boot. But the darkness of homework … HOMEWORK can so easily demolish me. I can only imagine what painting about my fathers death and being diagnosed with MS would do to my psyche. I’m going to paint rainbows instead.
Have I ever mentioned that MS messes with your ability to handle stress? I didn’t know the meaning of stress before. Stuck in Tunisia with nothing but my camera, what ev. 14 hour days in computer programming classes, no biggie. Top of my class! High work load, bring it on! Incredibly dangerous ride on top of a train, awesome! Almost being bit by a scorpion in the middle of the amazon, whoop-dedoo, can I go back to sleeping on the dirt ground now? Diagnosed with ms…mmm’k.
And now, art show induces vomiting. Homework with Julien, panic attacks in the bathroom. It’s not who I use to be. It’s not a personality trait. MS sucks on so many levels.
So watch out for paintings of happy emojis and bright happy colors.
And if ever you see a dark painting, check on me to make sure I’m doing ok 😉
And to Julien
I want you to care about something, and then try to be really good at it.
You are …. so amazing.