My personality, my desires, my hopes, and my fears … they’ve changed throughout the years. The things I regret, the things that make me smile, the foods I like, the music I listen to, my color preferences, my favorite sweater, my wardrobe, my hair color and length, my favourite video game console, the game I’m playing, the kind of movie I want to watch, the camera I use, my health!, countless things have changed. Some more then once. And in the end I am not who I was, but I am still a compilation of all I have done.

In my late teens and early twenties I was barely home. I went to parties, celebrations, gatherings, concerts, raves, dance clubs, bars, pool halls, I rarely stood still. In my twenties the partying died down. I entertained more, smaller gatherings and dinner parties, way less drinking, more good laughs spent with good friends. In my 30’s my life revolved mostly around being a mom but I still entertained. A couple gatherings a year but nothing too crazy. And now in my 40’s I rarely see anyone. I’ll chat with my good friends from time to time, and the neighbors I run into on the street. I’ve tried to accomplish as many bucket list items as I could. But now, my time is mostly quiet and slow. And that’s ok with me. I am tired.

In the last few years, as my health declined, I have tried to make the few moments I share, more meaningful. I heard about a movie called “my dinner with Andre”, I’ve never seen this movie but heard that the entire movie is a conversation. A meaningful conversation. And although I don’t know what that was like in dinner with Andre, I have tried to have my own meaningful conversations these past few years. My own dinners with Andre if you will. We may have travelled together, shared a joint or a drink, or perhaps (just like Andre) had dinner. Whatever the event, I hope it was meaningful in some way.

I’ve come to terms with my conundrum and I feel proud that I took advantage of my time, of my health. I have soared, leaped, felt the wind in my hair, I’ve run, hiked, and traversed many different lands. I’ve often laughed so hard my jaw hurt, I couldn’t catch my breath, and tears fell from eyes (I have wrinkles on my face that prove this).

I’ve tried many kinds of foods, I’ve danced all night, played in the rain, thrown snowballs and ducked behind cars. I’ve sat around bond fires roasting marshmallows and drinking beer, I’ve seen night skies filled with stars, I’ve seen the grand canyon, the Pacific Ocean, the Atlantic, I’ve driven across North America, I’ve ridden a camel in the Sahara, I’ve slept on the Amazon floor, I’ve seen wild animals roam the Serengeti, I’ve had hot chocolate and croissants in Paris, I’ve partied with the band at a bar, played pool with the lead guitarist, I’ve been on the back of a motorcycle, I’ve ridden in a limo, I helped a complete stranger spend his lottery winnings (SHOTS!), I’ve made the best of friends, I’ve celebrated many New Years, Christmases, Easters, Valentines, birthdays, and so many freaken Friday nights. I’ve had kids, I fell in love and got married. I painted and even managed to sell some pieces. I’ve taken enough photographs to fill many books. I’ve written enough to complete a novel and I’ve watched thousands of sunsets, some in absolutely breathtaking places.

I feel so fortunate to have had so many wonderful moments and I hope there’s plenty more to come. I’d love to see my kids graduate, to watch them search for their passions, to follow their dreams, succeed in their quests, and define themselves in the process. But if there isn’t much more … I didn’t do so bad. I feel ok slowing down, it feels good, it feels right. I am just so tired. And what can I say, I’ve changed.