Caro | Artist. | Page 15

Am I a germaphobe, not quite but I’m right on the edge.
Do I like things clean, sure. Am I constantly cleaning, no.
Do I run away in fear when someone is sick, no but I would if I could.
Do I use those antiseptic machines, yes … every time I see one.
Do I hug my family when they’re sick, I try not to. I would go live somewhere else for the duration of their illness if I could.
Do I feel good about that, no.
Do I fear sick people, yes. I hold my breath, I panic, I try to get as far away as I can. I look for antiseptic, I wash my hands over and over, I cover my face, and I pray I don’t catch it (not to god but religion is a blog for another time).
Was I always like this, not at all.

Why, because I have MS which is a neurological autoimmune disorder. I get sick and my immune system goes crazy and kills everything, including the myelin cover protecting my nerves. And there’s no way to fix it. I woke up once with a slight fever and I was paralyzed from the waist down, I could move my arms but barely. It took me 3 weeks before I was able to leave the house. (This is years after being diagnosed)

I take medicine to relax my immune system (let’s call my immune system Joe). So if I get a cold, “drugged out Joe” just relaxes. “dude, we’re being attacked, I should totally do something about that”. But Joe doesn’t do something about that, or at least he’s in no hurry.

I’m bringing this up, because I just spent the last week with a cold feeling TERRIBLE, barely able to walk, unable to paint, unable to cook (not that it matters because I can’t go to the grocery store anyways), barely able to focus, and most importantly unable to care for my kids. This.. f-ing cold is starting to pass and so I can focus again (hence write) but I’m still sick (hence really grumpy and ranting).

I would love to stop taking these meds so I can get over colds quicker . LOVE! But then I remember why I’m taking them. Because I went from being a healthy, vibrant, energetic, active woman….to being PARALYZED by the flu….PARALYZED! I fear I could wake up one day and be paralyzed NOT because of the flu. This “choice” about whether or not to take the meds didn’t feel like much of a choice and it wasn’t done without contemplation. It’s also not the only thing I’m doing (Walhs diet/lifestyle, physiotherapy, chiropractors, EMS, energy stones, aromatherapy, meditation, supplements, vitamins, probiotics, …) nor is it the only thing I’m contemplating. (stem cell transplant for people with MS?).

I’m not angry, I sound angry, sometimes I might be angry. And I’m not sad, sometimes yes but mostly no. I’m just tired, so so tired, overwhelmingly exhausted worn out tired. I just need to vent sometimes. I am a frustrated warrior.

And obviously I need to avoid germs.

Blog entry #1

Why I decided to start a blog.

Aside from ” it’s what all the cool kids are doing nowadays”, I thought it could be somewhat therapeutic for me. A few years after I was diagnosed with MS I got pregnant and then my life completely changed. I became a mom, my responsibilities changed, my body changed (therefore my wardrobe changed), my health changed, I had to stop working, I was dependent on someone else which was (and still is) really uncomfortable, and we moved to a new neighbourhood so my entourage changed (friends, restaurants), It was A LOT of change all at once and I felt incredibly lonely. I became somewhat withdrawn and closed off more and more over the years. I love my kids and our house but it came at a price. I lost myself.
This is me trying to find myself again. Or I guess redefine myself.

My husband (as well as others) have recommended I go to group therapy (always nice to hear, but I know it comes from a place of concern and love), and I even thought of getting a dog.
But I don’t like large gatherings or the idea of opening up to a bunch of strangers (face to face). And as to getting a dog….well I know the kids would love a dog. And having the quiet non judgemental unconditional love of a dog to keep me company during the day would surely be therapeutic. But I do not (and I can’t stress this enough), I do NOT want to pick up poop or be woken up at 5am cause he needs to “go”. My unwillingness to clean up dog poop, and my need for a good night sleep, are far greater then my need for emotional therapy….blame the almost OCD clean freak in me. Ain’t gonna happen.

So, a blog it is.

Regardless, after some soul searching I realized I don’t feel lonely
1. Because I have a great husband and two sometimes adorable kids.
2. Because I’m a big time introvert. So time to myself is awesome.
3. Because I have some great friends I can call anytime, I don’t, but I know I could and that brings me great comfort. I don’t have many friends, but the ones I do have are awesome.

What I do feel is lost.
1. Because I can’t let go of who I was.
2. Because I can’t let go of what I wanted.
3. Because I can’t figure out what I want.

So I figured if I start a blog I can give others a glimpse of who I am outside of the MS and BECAUSE of it. And hopefully find myself in the process. It has already started to help since I know I want to paint, I want to write, and I want to share…from a distance.

Sometimes I draw or paint in order to express myself. But my art is mostly abstract so my thoughts can often be … misinterpreted. But there will be nothing abstract about putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard in this case. I am not who I am. Which is occasionally my inspiration for my “art” (things aren’t always as they seem). I am not “the sick friend”. I want to change that perception, play a different part in your lives. I get it now when an actor wants to leave a role in a hit show. I want a new role. I am more then “the girl you know who has MS”.
I’m also a fucking mess 😉

So here I am, cautiously revealing myself…..