I have been somewhat trapped inside the house since about November. Venturing out only on a few occasions. Dinner with friends, or with family, and a trip to the art store. 

I have a progressive disease and …. well….it’s doing what it does. It’s progressing. It feels like it’s progressing quicker but that’s probably because I have less endurance left. In the beginning I could walk / stand for hours and hours, so loosing a few seconds was barely noticeable. But those seconds have added up throughout the years and I’m down to a few minutes. I can notice the minutes getting less and less, week by week. Dean has had to carry the weight I can no longer handle and I feel like a burden, even though no one has ever complained. 

I was scared (again) that I could no longer lift myself up, mentally and physically. 

Of course the weather has played a major role. Every time I felt the strength to venture out, we would get another snow storm and I retreated to my safe spot. My home. 

So I decided to venture downtown. To spend a few nights in a hotel linked to all the underground, snow/ice free, tunnels. To see if I can live independently again, once accessibility is no longer an issue (sort of). 

I had been drowning, let’s see if I can learn to swim again.

 

Did earlier versions of humans hibernate?

Because my body feels like it could hibernate 

I want to stuff my face with food,

crawl into a comfy duvet

Lay my head on a fluffy pillow, and fall asleep

Waking up weeks from now 

having magically lost weight and feeling rested

My feet

Are banged up, sore, bruised, 

and sometimes (after a stroll in my art studio) stained by paints

I feel them burning from dryness, from neglect

I see scars and bruises and all the stories they could tell

The stories of the miles I have walked, the adventures I have lived, and the places I have been

The challenges, the obstacles, and the struggles I have faced

They’ve gotten callouses 

from wearing heals, 

from standing too long, 

from wearing shoes that are too small, to shoes that are soaked through,

from walking for hours, for days, for years

They’ve been bruised from stepping on a nail,

They ached from walking on gravel

from walking barefoot so many times

I’ve felt my skin burn as I walked on hot pavement 

I’ve had sand, dirt and grass between my toes 

from roaming beaches, deserts, gardens, and fields

I’ve ran through grassy fields, and slipped on mushroom patches

I’ve dipped my toes in puddles, streams, lakes, and oceans

My toes have been broken, my feet have been bruised, 

they’ve bled, but most importantly, they’ve healed

The kids are away at sleep away camp this week. And of course I miss them, and of course I don’t!

My job as a mother has been to worry about my kids. It’s exhausting. From how much and what they are watching on tv, making sure they go outdoors, using sunscreen, the proper sunscreen, wearing helmets while riding their bikes, making sure they eat their vegetables, making sure they get enough sleep, look both ways before crossing the street, that they are kind but not push-overs, that they are growing up to be independent, reliable, smart, empathetic members of society, as well as worrying about too many other things, but mostly that they feel love. I don’t remember not being worried. 

But the kids are away this week. It’s on the camps shoulders to worry. Obviously I am worried about them, but it’s on a much different level. And as the worry dies down, I find myself again. Staying up too late painting, sleeping in till noon, eating when I’m hungry, having the music way up high, cursing (cause I can), watching scary movies, and other things not so kid friendly. 

I didn’t notice how much I missed this till now. Spending the summer with kids is great, but so is spending this week with myself. 

Commissions Accepted

I have mentioned in previous post/blogs that my painting style has changed throughout the years due in part on my state of mind and my physical ability. This has also affected the amount of painting I have been doing lately. Because of this prices are going up. Knowing  I could never reproduce previous paintings, and that future paintings may be few and far between, they have become more valuable … to me. They are a reminder of who I was, how I felt, and how I have changed

As a result I feel my inspirations and motivations have grown.  I sketch, I take pictures, I dream, and I am overflowing with passion.

So if ever you see a sketch or a picture you would like to have as a painting. Let me know via private message and we can discuss size, colors, price and any other details that may be relevant.

A sketch/draft will be shown before any painting begins. And if we eventually agree, I will put my soul into it, for how ever long it takes me.

Thanks for your support,

CARO

Included are some sketches from the last few months….