I don't want to talk, but I don't want to be alone. 
I feel a need for nourishment, a growl in the pit of my stomach. 
But lack the desire to eat, for I dread the nausea to follow. 
I want to live, but not like this. 
I want to scream and inhale deeply. 
I want to float away, but I also want to hold my family tightly.
I am torn, I am afraid, I am lost

To look at a blank canvas, for fear I will see nothing

A small look into my pilgrimage-ish. And my trip to Cape Breton

After receiving what I believed were signs, I spent the next few months finishing up my book, finishing up paintings, putting my things in order, and planning a trip to the east (my east – Cape Breton NS and Bathurst NB). Focusing on these things kept my spirits up (mostly).

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3

I’ve been trying to write about what the last 2 years have been like for me. And what better way to do so then to going back in time to hear my original words.

In October of 2021, I spoke out loud about needing something to look forward to, and later that same day I received a message that gave me exactly that. This is when (for me) the signs started to fit together and my spiritual pilgrimage-like mentally challenging journey began.

Compared to previously, I haven’t been posting much. I write occasionally but nothing feels complete. My thoughts and writings are mere beginnings and then fade. I haven’t been posting on Instagram much, I’ve dropped Facebook, and I my videos are further apart. It all feels a little pointless, a little redundant, and perhaps too dark to share. I am not in a constant slum, but when I am I find comfort in talking to the camera or writing my thoughts down. So for anyone wondering where I’ve been, how I’m doing (at times), here is a short video from early September that I finally got around to editing (I’ve been busy painting).

The music is Bolero by Ravel. I remember listening to this record with my dad when I was a child. Him, sitting on the couch reading. Me, lying on the floor coloring.

I have been inspired by the light among the darkness. By moonlight. By the last bit of light before the sun sets completely. A light I can look into without being blinded. It lures me in, it eases my mind, it puts my fears to rest as life becomes less focused, less … illuminated

I havent been writing much lately. But I have been recording my thoughts on video.