I’ve decided to keep the box closed. I’m not sure exactly what that means but right now I don’t want to know or talk about the future. I don’t want to hear the news, I don’t want to know the forecast, I don’t want any more MRI’s or ultrasounds or blood test. I don’t want to know nothing. I just want to see what happens. Live in the moment. 

I haven’t written in a while, my thoughts are often gone by the time I reach my keyboard. But once in a while I manage to capture a thought. Like today …. https://youtu.be/5OOdThyD7u0

Here I am, a little lost and a little found, in my studio painting Bleu et Jaune-Orange

I don't want to talk, but I don't want to be alone. 
I feel a need for nourishment, a growl in the pit of my stomach. 
But lack the desire to eat, for I dread the nausea to follow. 
I want to live, but not like this. 
I want to scream and inhale deeply. 
I want to float away, but I also want to hold my family tightly.
I am torn, I am afraid, I am lost

To look at a blank canvas, for fear I will see nothing

A small look into my pilgrimage-ish. And my trip to Cape Breton

After receiving what I believed were signs, I spent the next few months finishing up my book, finishing up paintings, putting my things in order, and planning a trip to the east (my east – Cape Breton NS and Bathurst NB). Focusing on these things kept my spirits up (mostly).

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3

I’ve been trying to write about what the last 2 years have been like for me. And what better way to do so then to going back in time to hear my original words.

In October of 2021, I spoke out loud about needing something to look forward to, and later that same day I received a message that gave me exactly that. This is when (for me) the signs started to fit together and my spiritual pilgrimage-like mentally challenging journey began.

Compared to previously, I haven’t been posting much. I write occasionally but nothing feels complete. My thoughts and writings are mere beginnings and then fade. I haven’t been posting on Instagram much, I’ve dropped Facebook, and I my videos are further apart. It all feels a little pointless, a little redundant, and perhaps too dark to share. I am not in a constant slum, but when I am I find comfort in talking to the camera or writing my thoughts down. So for anyone wondering where I’ve been, how I’m doing (at times), here is a short video from early September that I finally got around to editing (I’ve been busy painting).

The music is Bolero by Ravel. I remember listening to this record with my dad when I was a child. Him, sitting on the couch reading. Me, lying on the floor coloring.