Not sure what to eat? How about a head of lettuce, miam miam 😋
Throw in some cherry tomatoes for a kick!

I’m kidding and I’m not.

I rarely feel like cooking now and having pre-washed and prepped fresh veggies on hand is super helpful. It’s not creative, it’s actually quite dull, but it’s healthy and filling.

I once thought of becoming a chef and opening up a restaurant. But that seemed like lots of work so I thought of opening up a catering company instead.

That idea quickly vanished when I had kids.
Now, I don’t want to cook nothing.

I feel incredibly guilty and like a terrible mother when I say this, but cooking for kids has sucked the joy of cooking right out of me.

It started when they were babies. They obviously can’t help, they can barely get the food into their mouths, so they aren’t going to help you chop vegetables or clean up afterwards. I had to prepare their meals, 3 times a day, everyday. And it was very dull food. I’m not going to serve roasted stuffed chicken breast with a sauce of creamy digonnaise sauce reduced with white wine, a side order of sautéed spinach and crispy garlic home fries. They aren’t going to like it. Trust me I’ve tried, anything with spices and flavour they would throw back in my face. I could of kept trying, force them to refine their palate. I could of continued to spend over an hour preparing fancy meals while simultaneously taking care of kids. Exhausting myself to only have it thrown back in my face and deal with a hungry crying baby while also trying to eat my portion before it got colder. And sometimes I would get a phone call from Dean saying he’ll be late. I would sit there with my fancy meal going cold, half of it on the floor, a crying baby (then 2) and a mountain of dirty dishes and wonder “why am I doing this to myself?”

So the meals got simpler, quicker, plainer, kids would eat, no tears were shed (most of the time) and I fell into a routine where I just cooked for the kids very dull and boring palate. Everyday, 3 times a day. Sometimes (if I had the energy) I would also make something for the adults to eat. Something fancier, more flavourful, something you could actually crave. I would try and get the kids to try it, sometimes they would and spit it out, sometimes they wouldn’t even try it. But it got tiresome. 2 separate meals, piles of dishes, a floor and kids to clean. So in order to conserve my energy I almost never cooked anything I actually craved. Meal time became something I almost loathed.

As they got older they would accept more ingredients into their repertoire. After 10 years Audrey is much more adventurous. But my desire to cook has almost completely dissolved by now. I’m exhausted, mostly from coming up with meal ideas. You want to know what it’s like to be in a relationship/family. It’s wondering every day, multiple times a day, what people want to eat. I miss not having to worry what everybody else wants, and just doing or eating what I want. Eating paleo doesn’t help either.

So I grab some romaine lettuce, some baby carrots and just stuff my pie hole.

Am I a germaphobe, not quite but I’m right on the edge.
Do I like things clean, sure. Am I constantly cleaning, no.
Do I run away in fear when someone is sick, no but I would if I could.
Do I use those antiseptic machines, yes … every time I see one.
Do I hug my family when they’re sick, I try not to. I would go live somewhere else for the duration of their illness if I could.
Do I feel good about that, no.
Do I fear sick people, yes. I hold my breath, I panic, I try to get as far away as I can. I look for antiseptic, I wash my hands over and over, I cover my face, and I pray I don’t catch it (not to god but religion is a blog for another time).
Was I always like this, not at all.

Why, because I have MS which is a neurological autoimmune disorder. I get sick and my immune system goes crazy and kills everything, including the myelin cover protecting my nerves. And there’s no way to fix it. I woke up once with a slight fever and I was paralyzed from the waist down, I could move my arms but barely. It took me 3 weeks before I was able to leave the house. (This is years after being diagnosed)

I take medicine to relax my immune system (let’s call my immune system Joe). So if I get a cold, “drugged out Joe” just relaxes. “dude, we’re being attacked, I should totally do something about that”. But Joe doesn’t do something about that, or at least he’s in no hurry.

I’m bringing this up, because I just spent the last week with a cold feeling TERRIBLE, barely able to walk, unable to paint, unable to cook (not that it matters because I can’t go to the grocery store anyways), barely able to focus, and most importantly unable to care for my kids. This.. f-ing cold is starting to pass and so I can focus again (hence write) but I’m still sick (hence really grumpy and ranting).

I would love to stop taking these meds so I can get over colds quicker . LOVE! But then I remember why I’m taking them. Because I went from being a healthy, vibrant, energetic, active woman….to being PARALYZED by the flu….PARALYZED! I fear I could wake up one day and be paralyzed NOT because of the flu. This “choice” about whether or not to take the meds didn’t feel like much of a choice and it wasn’t done without contemplation. It’s also not the only thing I’m doing (Walhs diet/lifestyle, physiotherapy, chiropractors, EMS, energy stones, aromatherapy, meditation, supplements, vitamins, probiotics, …) nor is it the only thing I’m contemplating. (stem cell transplant for people with MS?).

I’m not angry, I sound angry, sometimes I might be angry. And I’m not sad, sometimes yes but mostly no. I’m just tired, so so tired, overwhelmingly exhausted worn out tired. I just need to vent sometimes. I am a frustrated warrior.

And obviously I need to avoid germs.