I have multiple sclerosis (MS). MS is a disease where your immune system attacks your central nervous system. And in 2018 my diagnosis became SPMS (Secondary progressive MS). As the name suggest, it is a more progressive form of MS. 

There is no cure. My body will most probably continue to deteriorate. In the last 4 years I have lost my ability to walk. About 2 years ago my arms started to weaken. Besides general weakness throughout my entire body, I also have tremors, stiffness, spasticity, depression, nausea, short term memory loss, dizziness, my hands feel like I have tendonitis (even thou I don’t), I have extreme fatigue, difficulty focusing, numbness, and pain throughout. Fortunately I have been spared the loss of vision (a common symptom).

I can still eat, although due to the nausea I have lost my appetite and only eat snacks here and there. I have on occasion choked on my food (another symptom), but this happens rarely. I have a hard time with household chores like cooking, dishes, laundry. And with personal care like washing and brushing my hair, and getting dressed (no more buttons). I still paint but it is proving to be difficult and I require many breaks. I’m having a hard time holding my camera to my eye. This, I imagine, will break me.

I’ve taken many medications, I’ve tried many diets, and many different types of treatments. Modern, holistic, name it. Yet no treatment has proven to work with me. So now I take medication for the multitude of symptoms and the MS continues to progress. 

So for my own sanity, for my own peace of mind, I am letting go and trying to accept this. For years my focus has been on trying to control the illness, and now I accept that “shit happens”. And I stay focused on the things that bring me joy. My days are quiet and I am ok with this, and I’m also not ok.