The signs I’ve gotten in the past few years, weeks, days, seem to have pointed to me focusing on the now. I have on many occasions done just that, or at the very least on ‘the very soon’. (Like when planning a trip). But I still find myself thinking of the future or the past from time to time. Both bringing me heartache. Fearing who I will become and mourning who I use to be. I must remind myself to focus on the now. 

Now.

Closing my studio doors and announcing I am done with that was probably premature. I may not want to open my studio doors NOW, but I shouldn’t make assumptions about what the future holds. 

NOW I want to take advantage of the confinement this pandemic has created and focus on enjoying the quiet, the slower pace. Perhaps one day I will want to speed up, but NOW I want to slow down and retreat. Now is the perfect time to do so.

And NOW, I want to go get high and work on my book.

….

When I was a kid I didn’t plan much in advance. It was basically a day by day frame of mind. As I got older my plans were pushed back days, weeks, months, and years. I saved for the future, for trips, and the unknown. I tried to imagine where I would live, who I would be, and would I marry?
After I had children my plans became decades away, my plans became my children’s plans and far in the distance some wonder of what will become of me. The day to day spontaneity became less and less.

But since this pandemic has hit, since I came back from Costa Rica, and since my health has deteriorated; my plans, although fewer and much quieter, have returned to being nearer and sooner.
For many this pandemic is a huge Boulder in their life plans.
But for me, it’s exactly what I needed.

I am back at our cottage.  This time I plan on spending 2 weeks here, all by my lonesome. I feel somewhat guilty that I wish to be by myself when so many others are sick of the confinement. I feel guilty for wanting this time for myself, I don’t want to alienate anyone. I just need to decompress, I need some time away from the responsibilities I can no longer undertake and the guilt I feel. I need a couple weeks away from the same walls. I need some time to think of my hopes for the future, to find some strength, to take advantage of what little independence remains, to unplug from the media and the anxiety around and within concerning the pandemic, and I need to know my family is ok without me. 

This time around I brought all my camera gear in case I decide to take pictures of the cottage so we can finally put it on Airbnb, I brought a book I started to read months ago and keep meaning to finish, I brought my wheelchair charger so I won’t have to crawl around, I brought all my meds, I’ve got my keyboard so I can write, and most importantly I’ve got lots of pyjamas so I can rest, rest, and rest some more.  

So you may see lots of posts in the next couple weeks, or none at all. Who knows. But hopefully at the end of this, I will feel rested.