It feels like my time has come and gone. I wish I would of done more but I think I did lots. Perhaps not as driven as others, perhaps more so then some. I’ve made a few mistakes but I like to think they weren’t wasted moments if something was learnt from the struggles, the falls and the failures.

I don’t think I’m COMPLETELY done, I’m not dead. I have a few projects in the works. But my best days, my health, my adventures, they are dwindling. I no longer walk, I no longer drive, and with my arms weakening (not to mention all my other symptoms) my ability to do chores and hobbies are close to an end as well.

During the months of quarantine I began painting again after having stoped a few months earlier. I’m not sure why I started again, probably to “stick it to MS”. But I’m glad I did because it has reassured me that I made the right decision to stop.

This hobby, this passion now feels forced. I still love the arts and I have a desire to create but painting has simply become too strenuous, mentally and physically, to enjoy. For every few minutes of painting, I need days to recover. I’ve said good bye to many things throughout the progression of this disease, and painting is one of those things. And I’m ok with it.

These final 3 paintings portray the darkness taking over the light, but also the light in the darkness. They are the light at the end of the road. They are the landscape in my head.

To some it might sound like weakness, like I’m giving up. But the amount of strength it takes to come to a point of acceptance is more then most will ever understand. I am ok with closing this chapter, and that’s a good thing. I have plenty of other things to agonize over anyways. 

I tried to work on a (probably fantasy) trip across Europe. But as I worked on this trip I could feel the fire, the desire to explore, diminish. I mainly want to sit back, watch sunsets and feel the breeze on my skin. Other then that I don’t have many wants anymore. I’m not sure if this is a good thing. Having something to thrive for and to have goals is important. But so is being happy, or at the very least content with where you are is important as well. It has taken me a long time to get to this place in my head. I can not be constantly confronted by obstacle I can’t overcome, It is simply too much to bare. In order to stay strong and be at peace I need to let go of the person I was and the person I wanted to be. Perhaps, in the end, the person I have become is stronger then the one I had envisioned.