It feels like my time has come and gone. I wish I would of done more but I think I did lots. Perhaps not as driven as others, perhaps more so then some. I’ve made a few mistakes but I like to think they weren’t wasted moments if something was learnt from the struggles, the falls and the failures.

I don’t think I’m COMPLETELY done, I’m not dead. I have a few projects in the works. But my best days, my health, my adventures, they are dwindling. I no longer walk, I no longer drive, and with my arms weakening (not to mention all my other symptoms) my ability to do chores and hobbies are close to an end as well.

During the months of quarantine I began painting again after having stoped a few months earlier. I’m not sure why I started again, probably to “stick it to MS”. But I’m glad I did because it has reassured me that I made the right decision to stop.

This hobby, this passion now feels forced. I still love the arts and I have a desire to create but painting has simply become too strenuous, mentally and physically, to enjoy. For every few minutes of painting, I need days to recover. I’ve said good bye to many things throughout the progression of this disease, and painting is one of those things. And I’m ok with it.

These final 3 paintings portray the darkness taking over the light, but also the light in the darkness. They are the light at the end of the road. They are the landscape in my head.

To some it might sound like weakness, like I’m giving up. But the amount of strength it takes to come to a point of acceptance is more then most will ever understand. I am ok with closing this chapter, and that’s a good thing. I have plenty of other things to agonize over anyways. 

I tried to work on a (probably fantasy) trip across Europe. But as I worked on this trip I could feel the fire, the desire to explore, diminish. I mainly want to sit back, watch sunsets and feel the breeze on my skin. Other then that I don’t have many wants anymore. I’m not sure if this is a good thing. Having something to thrive for and to have goals is important. But so is being happy, or at the very least content with where you are is important as well. It has taken me a long time to get to this place in my head. I can not be constantly confronted by obstacle I can’t overcome, It is simply too much to bare. In order to stay strong and be at peace I need to let go of the person I was and the person I wanted to be. Perhaps, in the end, the person I have become is stronger then the one I had envisioned. 

This picture was taken from the pointe-claire dock behind the Marguerite Bourgeois elementary school. I went to that school for 5th and 6th grade and while in 6th grade my father passed away from pancreatic cancer. The church the ceremony was held at is right next to that building. I often went back to this spot to look out at where I said good bye to his physical body and presence. This place holds a special, spiritual, yet difficult place in my heart. This is where I lost any connection I had to the church. I was never very religious but it was during this time that I realized that the idea of god and the stories I grew up with brought me no comfort. They just didn’t.

I’m more agnostic then atheist. Being asked if I believe in god is a tricky question. If there was one definition it would be easier to answer. As Jeff Winger once said in the TV show Community: “To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I also would never stand in line for it.”. My spiritual journey took a different path after this moment, in this place. I started to feel more connected to elements, to memories, and to the randomness of life. What brought me comfort was the idea that my father was in my soul and heart rather then the idea that he was with god (whatever she/he may be).

I know that talking about religion can be a touchy subject, it is not my intention to offend anyone. I simply wanted to share a part of myself. I have been searching for peace of mind through this pandemic and mostly through my struggle with PPMS and I am often brought back to this moment. I have also found solace in the Buddhist speech Chidi gives in the series finale of ‘The Good Place’. If you haven’t watched that show YOU SHOULD. Best.Ending.EVER! (And this comes from a die hard Buffy fan.). If you don’t plan on watching the show, at least watch the ending…

https://youtu.be/n8eYcMHzqFs