At the beginning of this pandemic I felt somewhat aloof.
I had just returned from a spectacular trip to Costa Rica.
And I was at peace with the idea of this, perhaps, being my last trip.
I had plenty of photographs to play with.
I had mourned the changes in my life and I was finally beginning to accept my health, my probable fate, and my lack of control. 
The fear, the anxiety, the anger and sadness had began to fade. 
And when the confinement began, people slowed down and I started to catch up.
It was the first time in a long time, 
that my disease wasn't stoping me from going out.
I didn't feel guilty for being distant, for being too tired. I could not let anyone down.
I wasn't retreating and MS wasn't weighting me down. 
I was simply ... under quarantine. Like everyone else.


I want to make it clear, I don't like covid19.
I care about our nurses and doctors, and the people at the store. 
I care about the elderly and the people at higher risk.
I don't like that people are dying and that people are sick.
I don't like that people are losing their jobs, their business, their savings.
I don't like the effect the quarantine is having on morale.
I worry for our children's future, and I'm scared I could lose someone I love.
I don't like that we, as a community, are depressed, anxious, and angry. 
I see it online, in the news, on the faces of the people I see and in the conversations I have. People are scared.
The anxiety in the air is palpable. 
The fear, as well as the disease, is spreading. 


I could empathize because I have been carrying all these emotions for years. 
I've lived through it. Through the shock that life as you know it, is forever changed.
Through the fear of not knowing, and knowing all too well, what the future holds. 
I have been swimming upstream for years, trying to escape this nightmare.
But now I just want to lay back and see where the current takes me.
Progressive MS is like a boxing match with no referee.
I am exhausted and completely drained emotionally and physically.
I don't want to fight anymore but the punches keep coming.
The amount of strength it takes me to get up is staggering (especially when I know another punch is coming).
So for now, I'm just going to stay down and take a beating.


I still feel somewhat disconnect and aloof about the pandemic.
I simply do not have the energy to be angry about it.
I will embrace the relief confinement has brought me.
I will focus on the light rather then the dark.
I will rest while I'm down so that WHEN I get back up, 
I can steady myself for the next blow.