I don’t want to follow strict guidelines when it comes to eating. I would like to just eat what I want when I want. And sometimes it’s good healthy food, and sometimes it’s decadent greasy fatty meals. I want salt and spice and sweet and sour. I want it all. 

But

I have no idea why I’m sick. I can’t say there’s any one thing, not for sure. I can’t say “I didn’t have organic products growing up and look at me now”. I can’t say “I exercised everyday, took care of myself and it payed off”. I can’t say much with certainty. So I live in this constant state of wonder. I wonder if sugar is to blame. I wonder if travel was to blame. Or working in a photo lab for years, surrounded by dangerous chemicals. Is it the pollution in the air, vaccines, drinking water in South America? Did I unlock something when I did yoga on an almost daily basis. Could it be what I ate…dairy, grains, sugar? I don’t know. 

So I feel obligated to follow this lifestyle and see if I get better. 

But I don’t WANT to follow this way of life. I want freedom more then anything else. I want the right to choose. So I choose that I can eat what ever I want. And honestly, turns out I want healthy foods. Vegetables from the garden,  meat from a local organic farm where the cows roamed the land and chickens were free (until they became food), and they don’t over produce or factorize. 

…

And I want cake 🍰 

I call my dog (Leo) a puppy but he’s not a puppy. He’s 3 years old. Sometimes I just want to change his name to puppy because it fits his personality so well. He is a gigantic barking ‘cry baby’. He barks so much it is quite difficult to have a peaceful afternoon, a quiet dinner, or a  few uninterrupted hours of work done. 

He barks when someone walks down the street (especially the mail man!), he FREAKS OUT when someone approaches the door, and god forbid the doorbell should ring, all hell will break loose. And I dread if someone comes into the house because they might get bit. Yet some people …. nothing. 

I find myself unable to control him. The family and I have tried many different ways to do so but we just aren’t succeeding. We have no idea what we’re doing.  We’ve reached out to many and have gotten many different ways to train him. We don’t know if the method is wrong for him, or if we are just doing it wrong. We are lost. 

Yet at times, he is the sweetest fluff ball you will ever meet. He’s not a bad dog, and we aren’t bad people. Just none of us know the correct thing to do to get this relationship to work. So I’ve hired a “dog whisperer” of sorts. Dog whisperer man (DWM) and I have spoken for a few hours and We both decided it would be best if Leo spent 4 weeks getting obedience 24/7 training from DWM. DWM believes it’s because Leo wasn’t properly trained as a puppy. We have no idea how he was trained before he came to live with us at the age of 2. I hope this will help Leo. I think he’s a scared little puppy who never grew up, and never learnt how to act. And honestly, we have no idea how a dog is suppose to act either. We’ve never had one before.

So away he went today. With reluctance, but as I have learned from DWM, Leo could of been smelling reluctance from me and imitated my feelings.

I miss his presence. Tomorrow will be the true test. First day (in over a year) at home without him constantly by my side. Days have been getting harder for me. I feel like more and more of a burden to my family and friends. I feel I am hiding more and more from people. But not with Leo. I can slow him down, I can bump into him, I can fall, I can cry, I can get spasms, I can lock up, and I can be in my wheelchair just looking out the window. 

All I ever I feel from him is love and acceptance…. at all times. Never a burden. 

I want to return that kind of love and acceptance to him as well. But also, i need the dam biting the stop, it just has too.

So, Leo, I hope you know we still love you, you’re coming back home and we miss you. Work on yourself, and I’ll do the same on my end. 

We WILL see each other again real soon. 

Love you pup

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