I am sick and I am scared.

When one of my children is doing something that annoys the other, I tell them “just ignore it and they’ll stop”. I have been using this reasoning with MS as well. I’m trying desperately to ignore it. And the worst I feel the more I dream. I search travel spots, I make dinner plans, I get a dog!, I plan for an MS free future. I feel both in denial and hopeful. My upbeat attitude can appear to some as “I’m doing better” and I guess in some aspects I am. I’m no longer letting MS (argh…hate those letters…back to pickles) I am no longer letting pickles stop me from dreaming, from making plans. And that is good, that is better. 

But the truth of my health is I am not doing better. I am getting worst. I’m just ignoring it even though I am reminded with every step I take. My legs are stiff, so stiff. The spasms are more frequent, my balance is completely off. And the fatigue is constant. CONSTANT. It never goes away, it just gets worst. I know it is there, all I can do is nap. And I don’t talk about it because then I am no longer ignoring it. But it is there. It is the big fat elephant in the room. And I’m just hoping it doesn’t crush me.