This disease has changed me. 

I should of felt more relief Monday when the doctor said the results were normal, they were “what you would expect”. That the prognosis was “good” since it doesn’t seem like the disease is progressing quicker since stopping the meds. That’s good right? But the disease is still there, and still progressing. So it’s bad. I don’t know how to feel. After my doctors appointment I felt numb. No sadness, no anger, no joy, no passion, no relief, no grief. Just nothing. I felt empty.

How is a spinal cord filled with lesions “what you would expect”?

I wanted improvement. 

I use to dream of the things I was going to do.

Now every dream has barriers and hurdles and I constantly struggle to reach where I want to go. Now I have nightmares.

My normal was independence. My normal was walking, hiking, biking, for miles and miles . I use to take ‘the road less travelled” as often as possible. I parked far and enjoyed the walk. I climbed, I lead, I wanted to surpass expectations, be in front of the line, I wanted to be challenged, to feel pride in my actions, in my abilities, in my strength. I carried many boxes up many flights of stairs, I’ve trekked over logs, hopped over obstacles, I’ve swam through rapids, I’ve climbed mountains, I’ve crossed narrow bridges by slowly putting one foot in front of the other. I miss doing these things literally