I’ve been depressed and sad and angry and lost and I’m sorry to all who have been affected. I still have some lingering feelings and resentment towards MS. I don’t think I will ever fully accept it. I don’t think I should. But now I need to focus on the life and the relationships I want, and on love.

I’ve used this analogy before and I will do it again, one last time.
MS is like being at the beach, in a deep ditch, sand is piling in, and I can’t climb out. My friends and family are on the beach having fun (I think, honestly I’m too busy digging to notice what is going on around me), I would love to take a break, to enjoy the moment, but I fear that if I stop digging the sand will get too high for me to be able to dig myself out. Occasionally someone will throw me some tool or some advice. But none of them stop the sand from pilling in, or can help me get out. So I shovel, and I shovel, and I shovel using whatever tools I can.

If I stop digging I could suffocate, but if I spend all my time digging, I might as well suffocate.

Life use to be about survival of the fittest, so simple. I wanted to be the fittest, I use to feel that way. But I am not. It would be easy to stop digging, To let the sand swallow me whole. But I’m doing what I can to, maybe not be the fittest among humans, but at least the fittest I can be.

For some dumb reason I’ve always thought it was one or the other. Dig, or sit and watch life. I can’t stop digging, but I’m changing the speed and angle at which I’m doing it. So I can enjoy life. So I can watch from time to time. To enjoy life as I dig. The middle ground.

I’m sorry I haven’t been myself. I’m sorry I’ve been angry, and resentful. I’m saying this to my friends and family but mostly to myself. I have been very very down on myself. Worse then anyone else. So please no more tools, unless it’s a ladder, or a ball I could throw back, or paint supply (best.medicine.ever.)

I, like most, don’t open up to many people,
In person anyways.
I tend to be quite reserved and shy and as emotionless as possible
But every once in a while I laugh out loud uncontrollably
And on the rare occasion,
I’ll have a good talk and a good cry with a good friend.
They both make the body and soul feel so much better
And nothing says « it’s going to be ok » like a big bear hug

I am trying to do those things more often.
And If anything, just more good times with good friends.

So in conclusion….
Sorry, thank you, and I love you.