I used my fathers Konica camera for far longer then I should of and much less than I Would of liked
The camera was fully manual, which was not a big issue
Except that the light meter was broken
(Yes, I tried changing the battery a few times).
So every shot I took I just assumed how much light I needed for a sharp picture
And if there was no way to stand still (like on top of a moving train on a cloudy day)
You cross your fingers that you can maybe get a good picture at 1/60. (Keeping in mind you have a limited amount of shots)

So the light meter, the flash attachment and the timer were broken, and somewhere in the Amazon is my lens cap. Did I mention the camera was older then I was?
But what could I do, it was the only camera I had and it was my father’s and it was broken.

I worked in a photo lab, there were so many nice cameras there and I tried every single one of them. I saved my money, I looked for discounts or a savings day, and once I had enough , I purchased it.
Almost 1000$ at the time (I got an extra lens with it). One of the biggest purchases I had done. (Before that there was a trip to Ecuador, moving out, and a VW rabbit.) It was a special purchase.

I chose the pentax mz5 because of the look and simplicity. I had only ever used aperture and shutter speed options before. I didn’t want a bunch of buttons. The mz5 had the settings and feel of an old camera. But the light meter and timer worked. 🙂

I was happy with my purchase. I took that camera everywhere. The Turks and Caicos, camping, hiking, Tunisia , during a long drive (that seemed much too short) from Montreal to the pacific coast (stopping everywhere we could along the way) and finally to Tanzania. After that trip I purchased my first digital camera. (More on that camera in a later blog)

I packed my Pentax away near my dads old Konica in 2007. Easily accessible and close to my heart. One day I’ll teach my kids how to use them

I started working on this painting the day my diagnosis was changed to secondary progressive MS. I was upset (duh! and that’s as much as I want to talk about that). but I decided to focus on the light. It was an unconscious choice. I was having a panic attack. I knew painting would calm me. So I grabbed a canvas, took out my paints and expected to go dark. But then my mind was screaming LIGHT! And I started workings on this painting. It hasn’t consumed me or anything. But I have been guided by the colors. I’m at peace and I’m calm. I’m also giving it to Audrey. She’s part of the light I’m focusing on. And she’s one of my biggest supporters. (Don’t worry, I’m working on one for Julien as well).

https://youtu.be/421mVG8ramo

https://youtu.be/GYTfyXC_1ag

 

https://youtu.be/QoR0XZUjED8

https://youtu.be/2tyZTVrhkzk

https://youtu.be/q7sQStU-wDY

https://youtu.be/NbT9yguaQLI

https://youtu.be/XerBqyFWGS4

 

They come and go
Sometimes they’re new and inspired
Sometimes they’ve changed
Sometimes I only get a glimpse
Sometimes I try not to think and sometimes I force myself to

These days I can’t focus
I let things go
I forget
I get impatient
…..
These unfocused thoughts,
These Ideas 💡 ,
These Dreams and visions, …
Are Fleeting
Pushed back, all of it
The good thoughts, the bad thoughts, the can’t happen’s

So I go back to yellow, to happiness, to what brings me joy
I focus briefly on memories that make me smile
On Places I would like to go
On the people I love,
I think of the person I am, somewhere, sometime, some place
I look at myself, because I can
Because I am young, because I’m looking back,
Because I’m looking for answers, for guidance.

I write because I can
I write because it grounds me
It rips me open,

I paint because I need to
It calms me,
It helps me focus when the fear of not being able to do so scares me.
It’s a release, it’s thoughts and memories in color.

I’m forgetful because I’ve decided to let go
I’m unfocused in order to be optimistic
I’m an artist because it’s what I love to do
I’m sick, and I don’t know why

but I don’t talk about it because it too rips me open

Having my toes in the sand and scrunching it between my toes,
Standing by the edge of the water, tripod legs posted into the wet sand,
Taking the camera from around my neck and setting it onto the tripod. Adjusting the height,
Looking through the view finder,
adjusting the shutter speed to make sure I have just enough light,
adjusting the timer,
clicking the shutter button and waiting for the click in 3 … 2 …. 1
Repeat a bunch of times using different frames, and angles,
Repeat until the sun is real low,
Then stare at the sun for the last couple minutes of sunset (that’s all you need really)
Smile, 🙂
Close your eyes and take a deep breath,
pack up your gear.
Remove nothing from your surroundings but the sand on your feet,
Or the dirt in your boots
The rocks in your sandals
The dust on your knees,
Brush off the tips of your tripod, take one look back,
and then head home

I am well aware of the reality of MS and the unknown risks, dangers, symptoms, and limitations it comes with. I research, I hope, I struggle, I try to do everything in my power to stay informed and as ‘ahead’ of this disease as I can. The reality and the weight of this disease keeps my feet firmly planted to the ground. Almost literally as well.

But I am also a dreamer. My head is high in the clouds. I envision myself climbing mountains, crossing prairies, hiking through fields and forests. Dancing till the wee hours, and singing at the top of my lungs.
And when my legs pull me down, when I fall to the ground, when I run out of breath, I simply look to the skies. I search for rainbows, feel the rain on my skin, I imagine myself as a bird flying through the clouds, reaching the highest summits. I watch the sunsets, I see hope and possibilities in my children’s eyes. I lie in the grass to feel levelled, I look up to feel far, I drive with the windows down to feel the wind in my hair. I write to feel grounded but I paint to be free.

I may be standing still, feet planted. But it is not where my head is at.
I am not where I am

A couple people have asked how I’m doing these days, what with the new diagnosis and all, and the truth is I’m fine. I’m shockingly super chill these days. I don’t know if I’m in super deep denial or if I’m just over it.
I am pretty sick of hearing myself wine and complain about MS. I’m like the dark brooding characters from the walking dead show. (From what I remember because I stopped watching it years ago). I couldn’t take any more of their tortured lives, and I’m pretty much at the same state of mind with ms. ENOUGH!

These days my mind is just a blank and I can’t seem to focus on much. Which is good, right? No tortured miserable thoughts. No tears, no pity, no fears, just a desire to spend more time in my studio. I have appointments I’m not thinking about, I mindlessly prepare meals, I (try to) meditate while Julien complains about his homework, I don’t pay attention to the news, I shrug off the fact the fridge is empty, I stare at the trees changing colors, I’m doing puzzles like a little old lady in a nursing home, I’m laughing, I’m less self involved, I’m day dreaming of a rejuvenating vacation spot (suggestions?), I’m at peace, and I’m calm.
I’m wishing I had mastered this aloofness a long time ago. Ignorance eluded me for so long. Now it’s welcomed, it’s instinct, it’s survival.

I’ve never been very comfortable posting pictures of myself
It feels self involved and conceited. But I’m realizing now that it represents self esteem. I’m trying to be more comfortable with myself, with letting people get to know me. And one of the ways I’m doing that is by posting self portraits. I love photography and want to find a way to do more of it. Then it dawned on me that I HAVE been doing it. I’ve been taking self portraits for years and using them for sketching because I make a pretty good subject. I’m available, I’m accessible, and I know what I’m looking for.
So to “self therapize”, I’m posting them from now on.