Blog entry #1

Why I decided to start a blog.

Aside from ” it’s what all the cool kids are doing nowadays”, I thought it could be somewhat therapeutic for me. A few years after I was diagnosed with MS I got pregnant and then my life completely changed. I became a mom, my responsibilities changed, my body changed (therefore my wardrobe changed), my health changed, I had to stop working, I was dependent on someone else which was (and still is) really uncomfortable, and we moved to a new neighbourhood so my entourage changed (friends, restaurants), It was A LOT of change all at once and I felt incredibly lonely. I became somewhat withdrawn and closed off more and more over the years. I love my kids and our house but it came at a price. I lost myself.
This is me trying to find myself again. Or I guess redefine myself.

My husband (as well as others) have recommended I go to group therapy (always nice to hear, but I know it comes from a place of concern and love), and I even thought of getting a dog.
But I don’t like large gatherings or the idea of opening up to a bunch of strangers (face to face). And as to getting a dog….well I know the kids would love a dog. And having the quiet non judgemental unconditional love of a dog to keep me company during the day would surely be therapeutic. But I do not (and I can’t stress this enough), I do NOT want to pick up poop or be woken up at 5am cause he needs to “go”. My unwillingness to clean up dog poop, and my need for a good night sleep, are far greater then my need for emotional therapy….blame the almost OCD clean freak in me. Ain’t gonna happen.

So, a blog it is.

Regardless, after some soul searching I realized I don’t feel lonely
1. Because I have a great husband and two sometimes adorable kids.
2. Because I’m a big time introvert. So time to myself is awesome.
3. Because I have some great friends I can call anytime, I don’t, but I know I could and that brings me great comfort. I don’t have many friends, but the ones I do have are awesome.

What I do feel is lost.
1. Because I can’t let go of who I was.
2. Because I can’t let go of what I wanted.
3. Because I can’t figure out what I want.

So I figured if I start a blog I can give others a glimpse of who I am outside of the MS and BECAUSE of it. And hopefully find myself in the process. It has already started to help since I know I want to paint, I want to write, and I want to share…from a distance.

Sometimes I draw or paint in order to express myself. But my art is mostly abstract so my thoughts can often be … misinterpreted. But there will be nothing abstract about putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard in this case. I am not who I am. Which is occasionally my inspiration for my “art” (things aren’t always as they seem). I am not “the sick friend”. I want to change that perception, play a different part in your lives. I get it now when an actor wants to leave a role in a hit show. I want a new role. I am more then “the girl you know who has MS”.
I’m also a fucking mess 😉

So here I am, cautiously revealing myself…..