2023 was a very difficult year.  
After visiting with my new neurologist, who informed me my diagnosis was actually PPMS, 
I contracted (long) Covid. Then she moved away.
Upon having medical test done, I contracted an infection.
I broke down physically and mentally, and was hospitalized for both.

I have refused tests, appointments, with any hospital/dr. since.
And instead decided to Schrödinger cat it.
As long as I don’t look inside, I could be healing.

The weakness in my arms worsened. Making simple every day tasks much harder.
I stoped painting, I stoped writing, and I put my camera away.
I got a new, more permanent, wheelchair.

Then, for my peace of mind, I went to stay at our cabin in the mountains.
Where I could mourn the way I grew up doing it, alone.
I spend my days resting, coloring, and losing myself in the view.
And as I watched the trees stand still and strong , I would think “maybe being rooted isn’t so bad.”

I’ve decided to keep the box closed. I’m not sure exactly what that means but right now I don’t want to know or talk about the future. I don’t want to hear the news, I don’t want to know the forecast, I don’t want any more MRI’s or ultrasounds or blood test. I don’t want to know nothing. I just want to see what happens. Live in the moment. 

I haven’t written in a while, my thoughts are often gone by the time I reach my keyboard. But once in a while I manage to capture a thought. Like today …. https://youtu.be/5OOdThyD7u0

Here I am, a little lost and a little found, in my studio painting Bleu et Jaune-Orange

I don't want to talk, but I don't want to be alone. 
I feel a need for nourishment, a growl in the pit of my stomach. 
But lack the desire to eat, for I dread the nausea to follow. 
I want to live, but not like this. 
I want to scream and inhale deeply. 
I want to float away, but I also want to hold my family tightly.
I am torn, I am afraid, I am lost

To look at a blank canvas, for fear I will see nothing

A small look into my pilgrimage-ish. And my trip to Cape Breton

After receiving what I believed were signs, I spent the next few months finishing up my book, finishing up paintings, putting my things in order, and planning a trip to the east (my east – Cape Breton NS and Bathurst NB). Focusing on these things kept my spirits up (mostly).

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3

I’ve been trying to write about what the last 2 years have been like for me. And what better way to do so then to going back in time to hear my original words.

In October of 2021, I spoke out loud about needing something to look forward to, and later that same day I received a message that gave me exactly that. This is when (for me) the signs started to fit together and my spiritual pilgrimage-like mentally challenging journey began.